


Letting Go

by pennn



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Depression, M/M, Self-Harm
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-09-21
Updated: 2015-09-21
Packaged: 2018-04-22 17:37:17
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 903
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4844390
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/pennn/pseuds/pennn
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Inspiration: “If it tries to take you,” Wren said, “I won’t let go.” - Rainbow Rowell</p>
            </blockquote>





	Letting Go

**Author's Note:**

> hey there,
> 
> trigger warning: if self-harm and depression triggers you then please don't read this. I wrote this when i was really in a really negative state of mind, so this is just a bundle of sadness. let me just say not all stories end in happy endings. i hope you guys enjoy it!
> 
> Pen x

“If it tries to take you,” Wren said, “I won’t let go.” - Rainbow Rowell

 

He felt the sharp, piercing pain of a blade slicing across his wrist. 

He felt the blood begin to ooze out of the wound, trickling down the palm of his hand and onto the tip of his fingers, then falling, landing in little drops on the floor.

The colour was a pretty bright red against the white tiles, Dan thought. 

Everything was a bit blurry now. He wasn't sure whether it was because of the tears that had gathered in his eyes, or that he was finally slipping away. 

Away from reality. Away from life itself. 

 

Small pieces of memories flashed before his eyes—meeting Phil in the flesh for the first time at the train station, the way Phil's eyes lit up when Dan agreed to move in with him. Their excited squeals and unbelieving expressions when the BBC called and offered them their own radio show. The announcing of the Amazing Book Is Not On Fire, which documented not only their own stories, but the friendship that bloomed alongside it. Dan smiled to himself as he relived the moments one by one, his pain momentarily forgotten, lost to him that he was actually leaning against the sink cupboard, his limbs limp by his side, a note weakly clutched in hand, with blood gathering underneath his wrist. 

There were the secret smiles that only the two of them understood, hidden away from the rest of the world. Soft kisses in bed as the bright rays of sunshine woke up the city of London as it did to wake them up. A tear fell from his eye and slowly made its way down his cheek—he particularly liked waking up next to Phil on hazy mornings. Opening his eyes to such a peaceful sight made him feel at ease, made him forget the troubles that he needed to face, the decisions that he needed to make. He felt content in the quietness of the morning, cuddling under the covers with the man he so loved. Sometimes, Dan would feel the urge to kiss him awake, but most of the time he wouldn’t do it—he didn't want to disrupt the quiet bubble they were encased in. Phil would wake up a bit after anyway—there was no urgency to it. 

And then there was the day when it all collapsed.

Dan really should have seen it coming. Their friends have been teasing Phil about a person named Jack for a while, but Phil had always brushed it away, telling them to shut up, shying away from the attention. Dan tried not to take any notice of it—Phil had said he was just a friend. And besides, this thing between Dan and Phil wasn't exclusive anyway. They weren't a couple. They just sometimes did things that couples did. Phil was free to get a boyfriend—there wasn’t a problem. But Dan couldn’t help it. The ache in his chest wouldn't go away, no matter what he tried to get himself to think, no matter how he tried.

The day Phil came home with the ‘Jack’ person was the worst day of Dan’s life. It was as if he was sucked into a black void, nothing to pull him out. He tried to act friendly, did his best to not disappoint Phil, tried to be happy for him. But when the darkness of the night sunk in, Dan found himself in the toilet, a blade in hand, his eyes red and bloodshot, cheeks stained by the streaks from his tears. It had been few years since he had found himself in the same position. That was before a light named Phil Lester pulled him out of the dark. As the blood was dripping down the sink, a rattle sounded on the door and Phil rushed in, his eyes wide. Memories of what happened after that were foggy—the blood loss had been great. The next thing remembered was him sitting on Phil’s bed, in Phil’s arms, and Phil whispering,

“If it tries to take you again, I won’t let go.”

Then came the inevitable day when Phil sat Dan down for the talk. He wanted a stop to all the things him and Dan had been doing—the kisses, cuddles—now that he was trying things out with Jack. And it was like the life had been drained out from Dan. He knew he was being unfair to Phil. He knew he was being ridiculous. He hated himself for it. The hate just embedded into him eventually—deeper, deeper, and deeper, and one day it passed the point where he believed there was still hope.

 

The smile had faded from Dan’s face now. Everything was beginning to feel numb—the sleeping pills were finally kicking in. Took them long enough. He tried to raise his arm, but felt too tired to do so. Everything was quiet. So quiet. He wished that Phil was here, yet at the same time, he didn’t. Phil would try to pull him back. It was too late for Dan. He didn’t want to go back. He had given up.

The note for Phil fell out of his grip and onto the bloodied floor, drenching it. Later, Phil would burst into the room and see it, written in shaky letters, 

“It was time to let go.”

**Author's Note:**

> so i hope you guys liked it... sorry for such a depressing piece of work. until next time :)
> 
> Pen x


End file.
